Sunday, good day out with a friend, great to catch up
Sunday evening, she asks me out on a date
Monday through Thursday, messaging, joking, flirting, having fun, making plans.
Thursday evening date, comfortable, happy, hugs, kisses
Friday morning message “let’s just stay friends”
Amazing how quickly the loneliness kicks in again
So I like a girl.
But ten year age gap
She’s in love with someone else
Never easy is it?
Not really, they loved my sister, she was always number one, could never do wrong.
I was just there, I don’t remember much affection, no hugs, no I love yous. Got mocked sometimes.
The time I liked a girl, told her. My parents found out told me she’d rang, but she hadn’t, it was just a way to make me hope, to talk.
My dad, when I was 10, heard him say I was a wimp, that I’d get wrecked in senior school. That made me cry.
Even after, when I was grown up, my boys came second, never had them overnight, never had them through the day.
Just shit really.
My therapist thinks my self esteem issues, my introversion, all stems from my parents not giving a shit about me.
But 40 now, what can I do? Be the best for my boys, not make the same mistakes. Too old to change, just wait out the years until I die. Not a wasted life, I have my boys. But not achieved what I should, I could.
Just these moments, Saturday night, sat in alone, sad. Too much time to think. Feel sorry for myself.
Pull my socks up my dad would say, pull yourself together. Not much to pull together I think.
Shit isn’t it?
I’ve made mistakes these last few months.
A woman fell in love with me, I ended it in a really shitty way and I feel shit for doing it. I’ve tried to convince myself I had good reasons but it came down to my selfishness.
Since then I’ve been trying to stay away from women, I don’t want to hurt anyone else because of my issues.
Background on my issues, when a woman shows me any interest I go for it, all in, too quickly. Then go all out just as quickly. I am good at saying the right things for a certain type of woman. I am not a great human being.
Last couple of nights an old friend has reappeared, and I can feel myself doing it all again. I hope she can see through my bullshit and not let me hurt her. I think she’ll be ok, she’s 10 years younger than me, she doesn’t need a 40 year old man hitting on her, so I’ll just stop messaging now
Being single isn’t too bad, lots of cricket, karate, might get worse in the off season, we’ll see. But I just need to keep reminding myself I’m a bastard to women so I don’t fall down that hole again
Knowing you’ll never kiss a girl again, never hug someone intimately, never share your secrets, never have sex, never be happy.
I’m going through a divorce, all amicable enough, but in the process my ex has told me things I didn’t know about myself.
I’m controlling, I look down at people, judge people who I think are beneath me. I’m evil. I’m a psychopath.
I didn’t know any of this. I know I’m quiet, I keep myself to myself, I’m an introvert. My emotions are for me, I let them out rarely, normally in extreme circumstances.
But being told the things, things she gains nothing from telling me, why would I inflict that on another woman?
So I’m checking out of relationships, I’ve uninstalled my dating app, I broke it off with the girl I’d dated a couple of times. I don’t want to do to her what I’ve done to my ex. Don’t want to hurt someone else.
I am getting therapy, learning a bit about why I’m like this, but I don’t think it’ll change if I don’t even know I’m doing it.
So I’d rather be alone, be by myself, than risk being this person with someone else.
It’ll take some getting used to, I’m almost 40, so in theory plenty of time ahead of me, plenty of time to get used to being alone. I’ll not be lonely, I have a couple of friends I see every now and then.
I’ll miss love, the butterflies, the excitement and the nervousness. I’ll miss hugs and kisses, intimacy. But it’s for the best I think
Thanks for joining me!
Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton
